“WHAT DID YOU SAY ON THE REALITY SHOW THAT WASN‘T AIRED?”
“Dick was dumping on me so I told him, “Shut your hole, mine’s making money.”
Apparently you can’t talk about Andy’s hole on MTV, but Bam can talk about his
nutsack. (Go figure). And
that complete waste of American Idol skin, Corey Clark
(supposedly slept with Paula Abdul) didn’t
understand why I'd do a Jessica Simpson parody. I said, “I was bored. But
not bored enough to fuck one of the judges.” Dick threw a hissy fit so I
barked back with, “Andy, you couldn’t fuck me with Dan’s (the Host) dick.”
(UPDATE: Another Unnamed
Comic accused me of stealing this line from Jeff Ross' Pamela Anderson Roast.
First of all, I said it in August, 2005. And secondly, as I'm sure Jeff
himself will tell you, that line has been around since 1954. FYI Unnamed
Comic: Don't worry about who's stealing from who, learn how to tell a fucking
joke. You're not Pretty, nor Funny and I'm starting to doubt if you really
are a Woman!")
“WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE OTHER “REALITY SHOW”
CONTESTANTS?”
"As much fun as a yeast infection."
“WILL YOU EVER DO ANOTHER REALITY SHOW?”
“They say "Never say never" but...NEVER!"
“WHAT THE WORSE ADVICE YOU’VE EVER GOTTEN?”
“ ‘Stop doing stand up and become the next Hilary Duff.’ These pearls
of unsolicited advice came from my FORMER Manager. I was stunned.
(Even Hailey Duff doesn’t want to be the next Hilary
Duff.) Needless to say, we parted ways. This experience proved
‘everything happens for a reason.’
Shortly after this, I met the incredible Caresse Henry. I first
met her when I was 14 when she was managing Madonna. Ever since then Caresse
is one of the single-most important female influences in my life.”
“DID YOU REALLY DANCE ON STAGE WITH MADONNA?”
“During The Reinvention Tour she had two dance pits on stage. I was in
the Stage Left one. After she finished “Vogue” she had an offstage costume
change. I caught her eye and she smiled and even waved to me!”
“WHAT’S THE BEST COMEDY
ADVICE YOU’VE EVER GOTTEN?”
“Louie Anderson: "(When doing stand up at a club) get up, do your set
and leave."
“WHAT’S THE BEST NON-COMEDY ADVICE YOU’VE EVER
GOTTEN?”
“My Talking Barbie: "Anorexia is cheaper than bullemia."
“ANY ADVICE FOR YOUNG ASPIRING COMICS?”
“Find your own voice. Don’t steal from other Comics
(bad karma). Don’t steal from me
(my Lawyer will rip your throat out). Most
importantly, when it stops being fun, STOP.”
“#1 FAVORITE DIRECTOR?”
“It's a tie...Sofia Coppola and Doug Liman. Doug was the Executive Producer
on my FOX Pilot. Nothing ever happened with the show but I spent many hours
learning everything I could from him.”
“DRUGS OR ALCOHOL OR BOTH?”
“I’ve never done drugs and I honestly have no desire. My Dad has told me in
detail his experiences with acid, Quaaludes and speed in college
(it was the 70’s) and it has completely turned me
off. But, I do love me my Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum.
(I mean… when I’m legal, I probably will love
Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum).”
“IS YOUR DAD REALLY GAY?”
“Why, do you want to blow him?”
“WHAT’S YOUR TYPE?”
“I used to think... anyone that Lindsay Lohan hasn't slept with but
that just leaves Chastity Bono and he's not my type. Prince Harry. Yeah, I
like ‘em young, dumb and royal.”
“WERE YOU THE CLASS CLOWN IN HIGH SCHOOL?”
“No. A real bookworm.”
“FEARS?
“Sharks and Joan Rivers.”
“WORST FEAR?”
“Being in a shark tank with Joan Rivers.”
“WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS? ”
"MOVIES, TV, RECORDS, WRITE, DIRECT, PUBLISH, HOST, NIGHTCLUB OWNER.
Y’know, rule the world kinda stuff.”
“WERE YOU REALLY IN PARIS HILTON’S STOLEN SIDEKICK?”
“Yeah, but she spelled my last name incorrectly
(a major pet peeve) and there was speculation that Paris's friend
COLUMBO meant she had mob connections. No, the only connection Paris has to a
mob is their demands that she never record another album.”
“OTHER INTERESTS?”
“Poker, Pool, Sudoku.”